Twenty
years. Twenty years since I first saw her. Twenty years, almost, since I met
her last. Twenty years since she had been occupying a very special place in my
heart and thoughts. Twenty years since her memories had been inspiring my
compositions.
July
1991. Classes of my eighth standard had begun. As ever, there were new joinees
- good and better ones. And, the best. She. A treat for the eyes. Fair
complexioned, innocent, with a voice so melodious that it could hypnotize any
ear. Being shortest in height, I used to be first in the row for boys during
assembly; and she had the same position in the row meant for girls. I began
loving assemblies as these were the timings when I could watch her, and admire
her – within myself. As time passed, I found myself helplessly sinking in her
thoughts more and more. And the fun was, I was enjoying it. A peculiar feeling
engulfed me day in day out and kept me restless. I did not know what it was.
When it was more than bearable, I was bound to share my state with one of my
very close friends. He smiled and gave his verdict, “man!!!! you’ve fallen in
love.” “Oh, come on!!!!” I blushed.
Introvert
as I was, I never dared share it with anyone any further.
I used
to be one of the above average students and belonged to an average Indian
family. They used to say, and even I used to believe, that things like these
drive people off their path and ruin their future. So, I could not even dream
of things like loving a girl at that point of time. I promised myself that I’d
never think of her. I broke the promise over and over again.
Craziness
knows no bounds. It makes you do things you smile at later. I used to talk to
her for hours together – in my thoughts when awake; and in my dreams, when
asleep. She was there in my sketches, my paintings - and I did not need any
special canvas to make them. They could be made on the last pages of my
notebooks, on any newspaper, on sand or anywhere else. I used to stealthily try
to find out what she thinks about me by using games like FLAMES, love
percentage etc!!! I was concerned more about her presence and performance in
class than my own. Her presence used to make my day, and the days she was
absent seemed to be longer than ever. I used to cycle past her house as often
as I could to just get a chance to have a glimpse of her – though I was never
successful. I dreamed of her being close to me. But alas!!!! It was just a
dream – too sweet to be real for me at least.
These
were the first of their kind of experiences I was undergoing. What were they? I
did not really know. Or, did I try to avoid admitting even from myself?
Good
days pass fast. Or, at least they seem to. Final exams of my eighth class were
over. I wished there were no summer vacations that year. But they were very
much in time and of length as usual.
I began
counting days from day one of the holidays, so that I could be able to see her
once again. However, time had something quite unimagined of for me. Papa wanted
me to pursue high-school in another prestigious institute, in a different city.
Oh no!!!!! However, the decision was inescapable. I appeared in the entrance
exam of the college. The results of the entrance test made my father proud – I
had topped the list. I cursed myself.
So, all
my mathematics of days left in vacations had to be halted. I was enrolled in my
new school. I left my old school - without seeing her. Without having been able
to talk to her a single word in the whole year.
Time
passed. Calendars changed. Conditions changed.
She was still
there in my heart. Still ruling my imaginations. Still colouring my paintings.
Still guiding my compositions. When I was in class twelfth, one of the poems I
composed described her beauty from head to toe. It was published in a prominent
space in a national daily and papa noticed it. I was seriously advised not to
get involved in such stuff before finishing studies. I could not tell him that
I couldn’t help it - it was involuntary. I could do something else. All my
further writings were limited to my very personal diary.
Time
heals all wounds. I came to know later that it does not cure all.
2011. I
am married man. With a loving, beautiful and caring wife and a lovely son. They
have a place of utmost importance in my life. And, I am full well aware about
my responsibilities and limitations. We are a happy family.
However,
she is still there – in my heart. Yes, the intensity seemed to have reduced.
But, I could not help searching for her at any platform possible. Why do I
still search for her? Why do I still want to be close to her? Was it for
fulfillment of the carnal desire? No. I had at least a couple of chances when I
had denied direct offers of ladies with me earlier. So, it was not for
fulfillment of carnal desires at least. It was something very different, very
pious, much above these intentions. I just wanted to be close to her – no
malicious intentions, no further desires.
January
2011. I had recently joined facebook – the social networking site. As you’d
expect, I searched for her. And yeah!!!! There she was. With her original grace
and charm displayed by her profile photograph. I sent her a friend request. I
wondered if she would accept it. After all, I had been quite unknown to her
even when I was with her for one year; leave alone the condition after twenty
years. But, guess what? She accepted the request the very next day. Oh!!! I was
at cloud nine!!!!! I had at least found some means to be in contact with her.
Thank you Mark Zuckerberg!!!!
The fire
again got fuel.
Formal
status updates were almost the only interactions we had even now. I still did
not dare any personal chit chat with her. The fear of losing her again in greed
of getting more held me from doing it. Though her cell-phone number was very
much there in her profile, and I also had saved it in my mobile, I never used
it.
18th
April 2011. She sent a status update that she is in Lucknow – my city. After
all, it was her maternal house as well. She had also planned a reunion of all
old schoolmates and had provided her contact number for Lucknow.
For
about three hours I was in the should I, should I not state. But finally, my
heart insisted – come on!!!! Is there any harm in just saying a hello!!!! Any
my mind complied. I called her.
It took
me at least five seconds to answer her “Hello” in response to my call. It took
another five minutes and many self-pinches to make me realize that I was mot
dreaming this time. I was finally REALLY talking to her. We talked about our
school, our schoolmates, about the proposed visit, our present professions and
many other things. Could it be any better for me? I was completely drenched in
the melody of her voice. Yes, it had not changed a bit. It was as captivating
to ears as ever. The way she talked, responded even to my stammering voice, and
the innocence reflected by the way she laughed all sent vibes through my spine.
I was lost. I did not say anything. Words just flew from me incessantly. If
only I could ask time to wait!!!! I came back to senses when she said, “OK
then, and see you at the meet!!!” I thanked her for “giving so much of her time
to an almost stranger” and unwillingly pressed the “end call” button of my
mobile.
Even
after twenty years, and at this age, my pleasure knew no bounds. I had
succeeded in talking to her. Like a college going guy, I kissed the mobile a
number of times. I tossed it and caught it again in air. I clenched my fist,
jumped and almost shouted “Yes!!!! Yes!! Yes!!!”
I looked
at the screen of my mobile. It read - Call ended. Call duration 45:16.
