Twenty Years, Forty Five Minutes

Twenty years. Twenty years since I first saw her. Twenty years, almost, since I met her last. Twenty years since she had been occupying a very special place in my heart and thoughts. Twenty years since her memories had been inspiring my compositions.

July 1991. Classes of my eighth standard had begun. As ever, there were new joinees - good and better ones. And, the best. She. A treat for the eyes. Fair complexioned, innocent, with a voice so melodious that it could hypnotize any ear. Being shortest in height, I used to be first in the row for boys during assembly; and she had the same position in the row meant for girls. I began loving assemblies as these were the timings when I could watch her, and admire her – within myself. As time passed, I found myself helplessly sinking in her thoughts more and more. And the fun was, I was enjoying it. A peculiar feeling engulfed me day in day out and kept me restless. I did not know what it was. When it was more than bearable, I was bound to share my state with one of my very close friends. He smiled and gave his verdict, “man!!!! you’ve fallen in love.” “Oh, come on!!!!” I blushed.

Introvert as I was, I never dared share it with anyone any further.

I used to be one of the above average students and belonged to an average Indian family. They used to say, and even I used to believe, that things like these drive people off their path and ruin their future. So, I could not even dream of things like loving a girl at that point of time. I promised myself that I’d never think of her. I broke the promise over and over again.

Craziness knows no bounds. It makes you do things you smile at later. I used to talk to her for hours together – in my thoughts when awake; and in my dreams, when asleep. She was there in my sketches, my paintings - and I did not need any special canvas to make them. They could be made on the last pages of my notebooks, on any newspaper, on sand or anywhere else. I used to stealthily try to find out what she thinks about me by using games like FLAMES, love percentage etc!!! I was concerned more about her presence and performance in class than my own. Her presence used to make my day, and the days she was absent seemed to be longer than ever. I used to cycle past her house as often as I could to just get a chance to have a glimpse of her – though I was never successful. I dreamed of her being close to me. But alas!!!! It was just a dream – too sweet to be real for me at least.

These were the first of their kind of experiences I was undergoing. What were they? I did not really know. Or, did I try to avoid admitting even from myself?

Good days pass fast. Or, at least they seem to. Final exams of my eighth class were over. I wished there were no summer vacations that year. But they were very much in time and of length as usual.

I began counting days from day one of the holidays, so that I could be able to see her once again. However, time had something quite unimagined of for me. Papa wanted me to pursue high-school in another prestigious institute, in a different city. Oh no!!!!! However, the decision was inescapable. I appeared in the entrance exam of the college. The results of the entrance test made my father proud – I had topped the list. I cursed myself.

So, all my mathematics of days left in vacations had to be halted. I was enrolled in my new school. I left my old school - without seeing her. Without having been able to talk to her a single word in the whole year.

Time passed. Calendars changed. Conditions changed.

She was still there in my heart. Still ruling my imaginations. Still colouring my paintings. Still guiding my compositions. When I was in class twelfth, one of the poems I composed described her beauty from head to toe. It was published in a prominent space in a national daily and papa noticed it. I was seriously advised not to get involved in such stuff before finishing studies. I could not tell him that I couldn’t help it - it was involuntary. I could do something else. All my further writings were limited to my very personal diary.

Time heals all wounds. I came to know later that it does not cure all.

2011. I am married man. With a loving, beautiful and caring wife and a lovely son. They have a place of utmost importance in my life. And, I am full well aware about my responsibilities and limitations. We are a happy family.

However, she is still there – in my heart. Yes, the intensity seemed to have reduced. But, I could not help searching for her at any platform possible. Why do I still search for her? Why do I still want to be close to her? Was it for fulfillment of the carnal desire? No. I had at least a couple of chances when I had denied direct offers of ladies with me earlier. So, it was not for fulfillment of carnal desires at least. It was something very different, very pious, much above these intentions. I just wanted to be close to her – no malicious intentions, no further desires.

January 2011. I had recently joined facebook – the social networking site. As you’d expect, I searched for her. And yeah!!!! There she was. With her original grace and charm displayed by her profile photograph. I sent her a friend request. I wondered if she would accept it. After all, I had been quite unknown to her even when I was with her for one year; leave alone the condition after twenty years. But, guess what? She accepted the request the very next day. Oh!!! I was at cloud nine!!!!! I had at least found some means to be in contact with her. Thank you Mark Zuckerberg!!!!

The fire again got fuel.

Formal status updates were almost the only interactions we had even now. I still did not dare any personal chit chat with her. The fear of losing her again in greed of getting more held me from doing it. Though her cell-phone number was very much there in her profile, and I also had saved it in my mobile, I never used it.

18^th April 2011. She sent a status update that she is in Lucknow – my city. After all, it was her maternal house as well. She had also planned a reunion of all old schoolmates and had provided her contact number for Lucknow.

For about three hours I was in the should I, should I not state. But finally, my heart insisted – come on!!!! Is there any harm in just saying a hello!!!! Any my mind complied. I called her.

It took me at least five seconds to answer her “Hello” in response to my call. It took another five minutes and many self-pinches to make me realize that I was mot dreaming this time. I was finally REALLY talking to her. We talked about our school, our schoolmates, about the proposed visit, our present professions and many other things. Could it be any better for me? I was completely drenched in the melody of her voice. Yes, it had not changed a bit. It was as captivating to ears as ever. The way she talked, responded even to my stammering voice, and the innocence reflected by the way she laughed all sent vibes through my spine. I was lost. I did not say anything. Words just flew from me incessantly. If only I could ask time to wait!!!! I came back to senses when she said, “OK then, and see you at the meet!!!” I thanked her for “giving so much of her time to an almost stranger” and unwillingly pressed the “end call” button of my mobile.

Even after twenty years, and at this age, my pleasure knew no bounds. I had succeeded in talking to her. Like a college going guy, I kissed the mobile a number of times. I tossed it and caught it again in air. I clenched my fist, jumped and almost shouted “Yes!!!! Yes!! Yes!!!”

I looked at the screen of my mobile. It read - Call ended. Call duration 45:16.